A more realistic reality

What is it that they have that I don’t?  By they, I mean most of the guys around here….  It seems that most of the girls in this area at least seem to prefer guys who are immature or who treat them poorly, guys who are jerks, and full of themselves.  Because I was raised not to be that way, and because my interests don’t revolve around 4-wheelers, dirt bikes, trucks, guns, and mud, I am clearly not what the average girl here is looking for.  Perhaps I need to look other places?  That would most likely mean moving though, because I am running out of options around here, although moving is not really in my plans…  Perhaps I need to change my view of reality, and come to terms with the fact that I am not what the girls I am interested in are looking for, and move forward with my plan of settling for someone nobody else wants, or just being alone.  I am not ready to do that, and not wanting to do that, but it seems to be my only viable option any more. 

I don’t think my standards are too high, but perhaps they are indeed unrealistic.  All I am really looking for is someone who has some of the same interests as me, who has a good sense of humor, is somewhat cute, and young enough to still be able to have kids at some point should that be the direction things head.  I feel very comfortable talking to and even flirting a little with girls at work, whether they are co-workers or employees, but out in public or in a social setting, it is an entirely different story.  I think this is because I have worked there long enough to feel comfortable in my surroundings, and because to some extent it is “safe”, since as a manager I would not be able to date them anyway.  People always tell me how funny I am, and how much I make them laugh, which is true, and it works well for me with people I know, but I am never even able to get far enough with someone I don’t know for it to work…  No point having a strength if it is still overshadowed by all of my weaknesses I guess….  Courage, confidence, self-esteem, shyness, and experience, these are all things that torment me, and until I am able to overcome them, I will probably never have any luck, at least in the places I am looking… I am just an old fool, with unrealistic hopes and dreams, and not what most girls seem to be looking for.

Every time I get up the nerve to talk to a girl I am interested in, even if it is someone who I have “known” for months, it always leads to her flat-out rejecting me, or ignoring me.  This just happened to me again this week.  There is a girl who works nearby who I have seen in my comings and goings, and after making some inquiries about her with a couple of her co-workers (to see if she was even available), I finally got the nerve to talk to her after many months of wanting to, because I am still painfully shy out in public.  We talked for a few minutes, I left with a little bit of hope, but all that has come of it is her ignoring me now when she sees me….  I guess I was foolish to have a little hope for a change, even if it did feel nice. 

So, back I go into my walls, my lonely life of isolation and sadness.  My comfort zone….