Out With the Old...

Out with the old, and in with the new…  That’s how the saying goes, right?  I hope that will be the case, but a big part of me thinks it will be more like out with the old and in with more of the same…  2011 was a year of ups and downs, much like prior years, and I somehow don’t expect 2012 to be all that different.  Yes, life is what you make of it, to some extent, but I think a lot of it is largely out of our control.  I know many people would argue this, but I firmly believe there is only so much I can do myself to make things happen the way that I want them to, and that a lot of it is out of my hands.  So, as I sit here watching the clock moving towards the end of 2011, I sit and I think…     

2011 certainly had some ups – among them were watching my father graduate college in July, roughly 40 years after first starting his Bachelor’s degree.  Following on the heels of his accomplishment, and inspired by the same, I decided to see if I could get accepted into grad school and try to perhaps work towards a better future for myself.  I applied to one school – Marylhurst University – and I got accepted!  I liked the online degree program that they offered – an MBA in Sustainable Business; I also liked the fact that they did not require any entrance exams and were running a special where the registration fee was waived.  I figured that if I was not able to get in that program, then I would not try to apply for those that required exams and/or fees, as I could afford neither.  I got in, I signed the next decade or more away for the loans I would need, and for the first time since I graduated from ESF back in May 1997, I was a student again!  I have completed 2 classes so far, with 10 to go, and have a 3.84 overall GPA as of right now – better than I ever did as an undergrad!
    
Another highlight of 2011 was continuing to watch my nieces and nephews grow and develop.  Work schedules made it hard to spend as much time with them as I have in the past, but their development has been amazing!  The two oldest started kindergarten in September – where has the time gone?  The younger two are quickly trying to catch up to their siblings, and every time I see them, things are different.
    
2011 has certainly had its share of downs as well.  I continue to fight my struggle against depression.  There have been steps made in the right direction and I have slid backwards more than once, but I continue struggling forward, no matter how hard it gets at times.  I still have not really had much in the way of luck with girls or dating; we will see if that changes in 2012, although I have learned to keep my hopes and expectations low, as that leaves less room for disappointment.  I lost a couple of the best employees in my department to moves and promotions, and some of my closest friends are not as big a part of my life as they were in the past.  Yet I struggle forward…  We talk when we can, the department is running the best it has since I took over (at least in terms of sales), but it’s not the same…  People come and go more quickly it seems, and it is harder to grow close or become attached to people when it seems that they leave too soon. 
    
My life mostly consists of work and school these days, and caring for my ever-expanding menagerie of plants and animals that is slowly taking over my livingroom and kitchen.  I would like to say that in what little down time I get that I make the most of it and do things that make me happy, but in reality, it does not really feel like I accomplish much of anything outside of work and school.  My apartment continues to amass piles of stuff, hobbies and interests often go un-pursued, or at least less than in the past, and life just seems to continue to move by, not really stopping to notice if I am keeping up or falling behind.  And I just keep struggling forward… 
    
So, what lies in store in 2012?  Who knows, only time will tell…  I am sure there will be some ups, and there will undoubtedly be many downs, as that is one thing in my life that seems to be pretty consistent.  The downs are always around; it is the ups that seem to be is shorter supply.  Will the world end on 12/20/12?  I doubt it.  Will I be writing something similar a year from now?  Probably…  We will see, but my hopes remain low, where they are more manageable and less likely to shatter from the downward drops.  So, I will end with a half-hearted “Happy New Year”, and raise a glass to the unknown, hoping that it might even surprise me and go better than I am planning on.

A more realistic reality

What is it that they have that I don’t?  By they, I mean most of the guys around here….  It seems that most of the girls in this area at least seem to prefer guys who are immature or who treat them poorly, guys who are jerks, and full of themselves.  Because I was raised not to be that way, and because my interests don’t revolve around 4-wheelers, dirt bikes, trucks, guns, and mud, I am clearly not what the average girl here is looking for.  Perhaps I need to look other places?  That would most likely mean moving though, because I am running out of options around here, although moving is not really in my plans…  Perhaps I need to change my view of reality, and come to terms with the fact that I am not what the girls I am interested in are looking for, and move forward with my plan of settling for someone nobody else wants, or just being alone.  I am not ready to do that, and not wanting to do that, but it seems to be my only viable option any more. 

I don’t think my standards are too high, but perhaps they are indeed unrealistic.  All I am really looking for is someone who has some of the same interests as me, who has a good sense of humor, is somewhat cute, and young enough to still be able to have kids at some point should that be the direction things head.  I feel very comfortable talking to and even flirting a little with girls at work, whether they are co-workers or employees, but out in public or in a social setting, it is an entirely different story.  I think this is because I have worked there long enough to feel comfortable in my surroundings, and because to some extent it is “safe”, since as a manager I would not be able to date them anyway.  People always tell me how funny I am, and how much I make them laugh, which is true, and it works well for me with people I know, but I am never even able to get far enough with someone I don’t know for it to work…  No point having a strength if it is still overshadowed by all of my weaknesses I guess….  Courage, confidence, self-esteem, shyness, and experience, these are all things that torment me, and until I am able to overcome them, I will probably never have any luck, at least in the places I am looking… I am just an old fool, with unrealistic hopes and dreams, and not what most girls seem to be looking for.

Every time I get up the nerve to talk to a girl I am interested in, even if it is someone who I have “known” for months, it always leads to her flat-out rejecting me, or ignoring me.  This just happened to me again this week.  There is a girl who works nearby who I have seen in my comings and goings, and after making some inquiries about her with a couple of her co-workers (to see if she was even available), I finally got the nerve to talk to her after many months of wanting to, because I am still painfully shy out in public.  We talked for a few minutes, I left with a little bit of hope, but all that has come of it is her ignoring me now when she sees me….  I guess I was foolish to have a little hope for a change, even if it did feel nice. 

So, back I go into my walls, my lonely life of isolation and sadness.  My comfort zone….

The Edge of the Abyss

There has been a lot of change taking place in my life lately.  At work, 3 of my closest friends and best department members are gone.  One moved away, one cut back to one day a week and one got promoted and transferred.  The department had been running much better the last few months, routinely making goals, and doing better than it ever has.  This was in large due to the contributions of the 3 mentioned above, one in particular, and now that they are gone it has left me feeling a bit unsettled.  I am now faced with the task of training an almost entirely new staff – my most senior department member at this point has been with the company less than a year.  This, combined with having to really take charge of things myself and try to continue to lead the department in a successful direction has left me feeling a bit apprehensive about the future.  I am sure I can do it, but it will not be as easy as it was the last few months.

In my personal life, one of the biggest changes has been the incorporation of being a graduate student into my schedule.  One class is behind me, and although I did extremely well and am happy with the results, that is only the first of 12 classes, and they will no doubt become increasingly challenging as time moves forward.  The 2^nd class is already a much more hectic pace than the 1^st, with team projects being worth half of the grade.  Never an easy task, and combined with the fact that this team meets only through chat-rooms and team discussion forums, it adds an element of challenge to the mix. 

The seasons are also changing…  Gone are the warm, sunny days of late spring and summer, the days when my mood and my overall well-being seem to be at their peak.  Instead, we are venturing into the dark half of the year, the cold, colorless days of winter.  The brief interlude of fall colors has mostly come to an end, and everything is turning to shades of grey and brown…  With it, I can feel changes taking place inside of me as well…  This has always been a challenging and trying time of year for me, mentally and emotionally, and this year is no different.  My personal life is still very much a work in progress, and although I do feel I have improved over this time last year, I know that I still have a long ways to go.  The challenge will be to strive to continue moving forward until the light and color of new life returns in the spring, and not let the winter blues pull me backwards too far.  The holidays are also rapidly approaching, and with them come increased feelings of stress, both at work and in my personal life, and increased feelings of loneliness.  Being alone is always a hard thing to suffer through, but especially at this time of year it becomes increasingly unbearable.  The days are darker, my mood is darker, and seeing so many people happily sharing special moments with their significant others and in some cases their children leaves me feeling very alone.

I went to a wedding last night, the wedding of a friend and former co-worker.  It was a very nice ceremony, and nice to spend some time with friends from work, but overall it left me wanting and wishing and wondering.  Will a night like last night ever happen for me?  Will I ever find the one to spend my life with?  It was hard being there alone, without a date, making me feel somewhat conspicuous and very awkward.  Yes, I did have some fun, but overall the night went about how I expected it would.  My first “date” was not able to attend due to work schedule, I asked another and she too was unable to attend due to prior obligations…

Will Jeremy get what he wants and hopes for, or will he be forced to decide between a life alone or settling for what nobody else wants…. Will I continue on as I am right now, alone and surrounded by stuff instead of people.  At the moment, my small piece of hell is a damp one, thanks to a broken hot water heater, and that has only helped to dampen my spirits and my mood.  I am surrounded by stuff, much of it having no value whatsoever, and at least at present, the smell of wet carpet pervades throughout.  I have made some strides in the right direction as far as being more out-going goes, but that is still primarily just at work, where I feel a little more comfortable.  Out and about, I still very much keep to myself, afraid of rejection and paralyzed by my continued shyness and feelings of inadequacy.  I know that if things are going to change, I need to be the driver of that change, and not expect it to simply happen, but it seems that no matter what I try, things don’t go the way that I want them to….

I am staring into an abyss, a deep, dark, empty place.  Behind me lies all that I know, and even much that I don’t know.  In front of me is darkness and despair, and the abyss is so wide that it cannot be crossed.  The opposite side of the abyss is clouded in darkness and mist, and cannot clearly be seen.  The only certainty in my life right now is uncertainty, and the only certainty about the abyss is that it represents an end-point, a point of no return.  Should I fall into the abyss, I will be gone, forgotten, lost in the depths of hell.  To the right and to the left, the paths lead into unknown directions, unknown futures.  I turn, and head off to the right, unsure of where it will lead me, but not yet ready to step into the abyss.  For now, at least, I am content to continue to walk along the edge of the abyss, balancing the precarious line between the known and unknown, waiting and wondering where this path will lead me, and whether or not the abyss will ever be gone from view…

Just because I probably won't get what I want does not mean I plan to settle for what nobody else wants...

In a Friday Night Funk

Well, here it is, a Friday night, and I am off tomorrow, and what am I doing?  Sitting here in a funk…  I have been doing a lot of thinking about things lately (I know, I know, I do way too much thinking about things, but when you spend as much time alone as I do, you tend to think a lot), and the results of my thinking have put me in a funk of sorts.  A friend from work is getting married a week from tomorrow, and whenever people I know get married (especially when they are quite a bit younger than me) it makes me wonder if I will ever get my turn…  [How appropriate, the song “Nightmare” by Avenged Sevenfold just started playing on the radio!]  To make matters worse, the person who was supposed to be going as my “date” (a former co-worker who moved out of the area) is not able to get the time off from her job, so she can’t come.  I asked someone else, but it was very short-notice and she already had another obligation, so she can’t go either…  So, that will leave me going alone.  I should be used to it, because I go to most things along, but I hate going to something like a wedding alone- makes me feel very awkward, conspicuous, and “odd man out”….  I hope to still have fun, and it will be nice to spend some time with friends from work outside of work, since I don’t get to do much of that, but I will still feel weird being there by myself.

On top of the wedding, I have been doing my usual “will I ever find someone” thought routine…  There are some girls at work that I would love to go out with, but I know that I can’t, because I am a manager, and that is not allowed.  Plus, they are quite a bit younger than me, and I am sure that would be frowned upon.  And I am sure in a non-work situation they most likely would not even have anything to do with me, because of the age difference.  They only reason we get along the way we do is because we work together.  The only reason I feel comfortable talking to them and joking around with them as much as I do is because we work together, so I feel able to open up a little and not be so shy, and because I know there is no real chance of anything happening with them, so I don’t have to worry as much about what they think or try to impress them.  It may appear that I am more confident because of this, but in reality, I really am still not that confidant in myself.  The Jeremy they see at work is not the Jeremy that people see on the rare occasion when I go out somewhere.  If I don’t know anyone, I won’t approach them to talk to them, because the fear of rejection still paralyzes me.  I am shy, I am self-conscious, and I have very little confidence in myself.  Yes, I am better than I used to be, mostly due to how many people I have to interact with at work on a daily basis, but in a social setting, I still have a long ways to go…

Friends from work are always trying to get me to be more optimistic, to be less down about things, and to not worry so much, but I can’t help it.  Based on my past, and my present situation, I have very little reason for being optimistic.  Yes, I am doing well in school so far, but it was only the first 5 week class.  I still have 11 more to go, so we will see how I do as time progresses.  Other than that, I don’t really have any significant reasons for feeling optimistic at the moment.  I have spent much of my life alone, so what would make me think that is going to suddenly change just because I try to take an optimistic view of things?  I don’t think of it as being pessimistic as much as I think of it as being realistic.  I am not getting any younger, and other than my sense of humor and my on-the-spot sarcasm, I don’t really feel like I have a whole lot to offer.  Yes, I generally try to be a nice guy, but time and time again the saying “nice guys finish last” has proven itself to be amazingly true and spot-on accurate. 

What cracks me up is when people get adamant about changing my outlook, yet they don’t really even know what I am going through.  They are mostly attractive, popular, and several who are always trying to cheer me up have someone, so they don’t really know what it is like to be alone.  I on the other hand do not feel I am any more than average, certainly not “attractive”, I am not really in that great of shape, and I have never been popular.  So, what I am going through and experiencing is not something many of them have really ever had to deal with…  I surround myself with stuff, pets, and plants in exchange for surrounding myself with people, and to be honest, I am not even sure I would feel comfortable having someone over to my apartment, because it is not exactly the coziest or very welcoming.  I have really let things slide a lot when it comes to keeping up with the clutter, housework, etc., mostly because it is just me who has to see it, so why bother making the effort for only myself.  Yes, I know that is somewhat of a poor outlook, but unless I thought things were going to suddenly change, I don’t exactly do much in the way of entertaining, so I don’t bother….

I talk to my therapist about these things, and his main suggestions are to work on my confidence, try to think better about myself, and try to get out and meet people.  That is all well and good, but it is sort of like trying to teach an old dog new tricks.  Yes, it is possible, but it is far easier to teach the tricks to a younger dog.  With working 50 or so hours a week and spending 20 or more hours a week on school, I am very limited in what free time I have, and it would be one thing if I had someone already to go out with and do things with, but to use what little time I have available in the seemingly fruitless quest to meet people just doesn’t seem like a good use of my time for the most part, because it generally just leads to frustration.  If I had some better leads or somehow developed the ability to talk to strange women, then perhaps I would keep trying, but at this point, I am not really sure what I will do….  Like the say, the only sure things in life are death and taxes, which leaves me left to worry about the majority of the unknown.  Has writing this helped?  It has let me vent, but when all is said and done, I am still in a Friday Night Funk…

Randomness...

Just a few random things....

This was yesterday's Buddhist quote that I get on my phone every day:  "DHAMMAPADA Sit alone, sleep alone, be active alone, in loneliness continue the conquest of the self, even in a forest continue the quest."   Hmmmm  sounds about right?!?!

Today I got my grades for my first class in my MBA in Sustainable Business program- I got a 95.7%, which as far as I know is a 4.0 :)  Not bad for my first class in 14 years, and my first ever class using the online format!  One down, eleven to go.....

And in the spirit of Halloween, a picture of me that has been referred to as being somewhat demonic by more than one person ;)

The Future

Today I am going to share something a little different.  What follows is my response to one of the Discussion Questions for the Intro to Sustainability class I am taking as part of my MBA program.  The question asked: "Read the conclusion on pages 88-93 of the Challenge of Sustainability. In what areas do you think society in general, the United States, and you specifically need to focus your attention and efforts. What areas are the most crucial? In what areas do you think you can make the most impact?"

And here is my response...  I think it sounds pretty good, personally, but regardless, I wanted to share my thoughts with more than just my classmates....

I believe that the last paragraph in The Challenge of Sustainability really captures the essence of the sustainability movement, at least for me "Our fates are intertwined. We owe it to each other, and to our children and their children, to combine forces and ensure a sustainable future on earth" (El-Ashry, 2002, pg. 93). This is the mindset that everyone involved in the sustainability movement needs to adopt, because this truly is one of the keys to the success of the movement, as far as I am concerned. Remembering that we are all interconnected and that each of our actions can impact the outcome is crucial, not only in the planning and implementation, but in living it as well. We must not only talk the talk, but walk the walk, or there really is no hope for a sustainable future.

Achieving the Millennium Development Goals will be crucial to the success of creating a sustainable future. In particular, I think some of the biggest challenges that need to be focused on are eradicating poverty and hunger, and creating better educational information. Until people have their basic needs met, they are not going to worry about anything beyond where are they going to get their next meal, or where are they going to sleep tonight, or will they even wake up in the morning. The future for them is counted in hours, not years. To ensure that as a society we are doing our best to meet the needs of the neediest will greatly improve the chances of a sustainable future. Education is another key, and with that comes improving literacy and ensuring equal access to educational resources, regardless of class, gender, religion, race, income level, or any other characteristic so commonly used to divide rather than unite, to withhold rather than share, and ultimately to hold down certain portions of society.

As a country, we are doing a fairly good job of responding to international needs for assistance, yet we neglect the people in our own backyard, who are often just as needy as those we are assisting in other countries. Removing the inequalities among our citizens and putting everyone on an even playing field when it comes to opportunities and information is crucial. Yes, some will resist, simply because they do not want to be a part of the solution, but many are not a part of the solution simply as a result of circumstance. By overlooking these segments of society, we are overlooking our full potential. It is going to take the collaboration of all segments of society to design, implement, and maintain a sustainable future, not just those with access to the education, information, and resources.

Much of what we are trying to accomplish through the development of a sustainable future will be for nothing if much of the world is left trying to catch up to the developed nations. Resources will continue to be depleted, population growth will continue to explode, pollution and degradation will continue unchecked, and access to the essentials of life - clean water, adequate food resources, medicine, a renewable source of energy - all of these will cause the plan to fall apart if everyone is not included in the conversation.

I believe that for the United States, taking a leadership role in the global efforts is essential, we should be seen as helping to lead the way, not trying to catch-up depending on who the current political leaders are. Rely on sound science, economic models, and plain old ingenuity, not whichever way the political winds are currently blowing. All citizens need to be allowed to participate fully in the process, as whatever is decided at the top will most greatly affect those at the bottom. Inspiring change, not forcing change, will be a much easier way to bring about the needed changes and make sure that they become a permanent reality, and not just a passing fad. We need to be leaders in the search for alternative, renewable forms of energy, we need to provide adequate funding to the necessary research, and stop basing our decisions on who is better able to line our pockets. We need to create an educational system that fosters creativity and collaboration, not one that simply ensures that everyone gets a high enough score on standardized tests. We need to ensure equal access to information and resources to people from all walks of life, not just those who can best or most easily afford it. We need to lead the way to change, not let change happen without us.

For me personally, I think one of my biggest impacts can be on working towards the educational aspects, to help ensure the information is reaching everyone, that the messages being sent are consistent, and that the people who need to hear the message the most are actually able to listen. Combined with my background in environmental biology, my interest in environmental issues, particularly on a personal level, and what I will hopefully learn from and take from this program, I think that the opportunities for me to help make a difference will become much more of a reality. Yes, I can do my part in leading by example, making changes to my personal lifestyle, and applying what I know to how I live, but I think for me one of the things I want to do is help to make a difference by making sure that everyone realizes their connection to and role in the overall movement.

Reference

El-Ashry, M. et. al. (2002, September). The Challenge of Sustainability. Washington, DC: Global Environment Facility. Retrieved from http://www.thegef.org/gef/sites/thegef.org/files/publication/The.Challenge.of_.Sustainability.pdf