The Edge of the Abyss

There has been a lot of change taking place in my life lately.  At work, 3 of my closest friends and best department members are gone.  One moved away, one cut back to one day a week and one got promoted and transferred.  The department had been running much better the last few months, routinely making goals, and doing better than it ever has.  This was in large due to the contributions of the 3 mentioned above, one in particular, and now that they are gone it has left me feeling a bit unsettled.  I am now faced with the task of training an almost entirely new staff – my most senior department member at this point has been with the company less than a year.  This, combined with having to really take charge of things myself and try to continue to lead the department in a successful direction has left me feeling a bit apprehensive about the future.  I am sure I can do it, but it will not be as easy as it was the last few months.

In my personal life, one of the biggest changes has been the incorporation of being a graduate student into my schedule.  One class is behind me, and although I did extremely well and am happy with the results, that is only the first of 12 classes, and they will no doubt become increasingly challenging as time moves forward.  The 2^nd class is already a much more hectic pace than the 1^st, with team projects being worth half of the grade.  Never an easy task, and combined with the fact that this team meets only through chat-rooms and team discussion forums, it adds an element of challenge to the mix. 

The seasons are also changing…  Gone are the warm, sunny days of late spring and summer, the days when my mood and my overall well-being seem to be at their peak.  Instead, we are venturing into the dark half of the year, the cold, colorless days of winter.  The brief interlude of fall colors has mostly come to an end, and everything is turning to shades of grey and brown…  With it, I can feel changes taking place inside of me as well…  This has always been a challenging and trying time of year for me, mentally and emotionally, and this year is no different.  My personal life is still very much a work in progress, and although I do feel I have improved over this time last year, I know that I still have a long ways to go.  The challenge will be to strive to continue moving forward until the light and color of new life returns in the spring, and not let the winter blues pull me backwards too far.  The holidays are also rapidly approaching, and with them come increased feelings of stress, both at work and in my personal life, and increased feelings of loneliness.  Being alone is always a hard thing to suffer through, but especially at this time of year it becomes increasingly unbearable.  The days are darker, my mood is darker, and seeing so many people happily sharing special moments with their significant others and in some cases their children leaves me feeling very alone.

I went to a wedding last night, the wedding of a friend and former co-worker.  It was a very nice ceremony, and nice to spend some time with friends from work, but overall it left me wanting and wishing and wondering.  Will a night like last night ever happen for me?  Will I ever find the one to spend my life with?  It was hard being there alone, without a date, making me feel somewhat conspicuous and very awkward.  Yes, I did have some fun, but overall the night went about how I expected it would.  My first “date” was not able to attend due to work schedule, I asked another and she too was unable to attend due to prior obligations…

Will Jeremy get what he wants and hopes for, or will he be forced to decide between a life alone or settling for what nobody else wants…. Will I continue on as I am right now, alone and surrounded by stuff instead of people.  At the moment, my small piece of hell is a damp one, thanks to a broken hot water heater, and that has only helped to dampen my spirits and my mood.  I am surrounded by stuff, much of it having no value whatsoever, and at least at present, the smell of wet carpet pervades throughout.  I have made some strides in the right direction as far as being more out-going goes, but that is still primarily just at work, where I feel a little more comfortable.  Out and about, I still very much keep to myself, afraid of rejection and paralyzed by my continued shyness and feelings of inadequacy.  I know that if things are going to change, I need to be the driver of that change, and not expect it to simply happen, but it seems that no matter what I try, things don’t go the way that I want them to….

I am staring into an abyss, a deep, dark, empty place.  Behind me lies all that I know, and even much that I don’t know.  In front of me is darkness and despair, and the abyss is so wide that it cannot be crossed.  The opposite side of the abyss is clouded in darkness and mist, and cannot clearly be seen.  The only certainty in my life right now is uncertainty, and the only certainty about the abyss is that it represents an end-point, a point of no return.  Should I fall into the abyss, I will be gone, forgotten, lost in the depths of hell.  To the right and to the left, the paths lead into unknown directions, unknown futures.  I turn, and head off to the right, unsure of where it will lead me, but not yet ready to step into the abyss.  For now, at least, I am content to continue to walk along the edge of the abyss, balancing the precarious line between the known and unknown, waiting and wondering where this path will lead me, and whether or not the abyss will ever be gone from view…