In a Friday Night Funk

Well, here it is, a Friday night, and I am off tomorrow, and what am I doing?  Sitting here in a funk…  I have been doing a lot of thinking about things lately (I know, I know, I do way too much thinking about things, but when you spend as much time alone as I do, you tend to think a lot), and the results of my thinking have put me in a funk of sorts.  A friend from work is getting married a week from tomorrow, and whenever people I know get married (especially when they are quite a bit younger than me) it makes me wonder if I will ever get my turn…  [How appropriate, the song “Nightmare” by Avenged Sevenfold just started playing on the radio!]  To make matters worse, the person who was supposed to be going as my “date” (a former co-worker who moved out of the area) is not able to get the time off from her job, so she can’t come.  I asked someone else, but it was very short-notice and she already had another obligation, so she can’t go either…  So, that will leave me going alone.  I should be used to it, because I go to most things along, but I hate going to something like a wedding alone- makes me feel very awkward, conspicuous, and “odd man out”….  I hope to still have fun, and it will be nice to spend some time with friends from work outside of work, since I don’t get to do much of that, but I will still feel weird being there by myself.

On top of the wedding, I have been doing my usual “will I ever find someone” thought routine…  There are some girls at work that I would love to go out with, but I know that I can’t, because I am a manager, and that is not allowed.  Plus, they are quite a bit younger than me, and I am sure that would be frowned upon.  And I am sure in a non-work situation they most likely would not even have anything to do with me, because of the age difference.  They only reason we get along the way we do is because we work together.  The only reason I feel comfortable talking to them and joking around with them as much as I do is because we work together, so I feel able to open up a little and not be so shy, and because I know there is no real chance of anything happening with them, so I don’t have to worry as much about what they think or try to impress them.  It may appear that I am more confident because of this, but in reality, I really am still not that confidant in myself.  The Jeremy they see at work is not the Jeremy that people see on the rare occasion when I go out somewhere.  If I don’t know anyone, I won’t approach them to talk to them, because the fear of rejection still paralyzes me.  I am shy, I am self-conscious, and I have very little confidence in myself.  Yes, I am better than I used to be, mostly due to how many people I have to interact with at work on a daily basis, but in a social setting, I still have a long ways to go…

Friends from work are always trying to get me to be more optimistic, to be less down about things, and to not worry so much, but I can’t help it.  Based on my past, and my present situation, I have very little reason for being optimistic.  Yes, I am doing well in school so far, but it was only the first 5 week class.  I still have 11 more to go, so we will see how I do as time progresses.  Other than that, I don’t really have any significant reasons for feeling optimistic at the moment.  I have spent much of my life alone, so what would make me think that is going to suddenly change just because I try to take an optimistic view of things?  I don’t think of it as being pessimistic as much as I think of it as being realistic.  I am not getting any younger, and other than my sense of humor and my on-the-spot sarcasm, I don’t really feel like I have a whole lot to offer.  Yes, I generally try to be a nice guy, but time and time again the saying “nice guys finish last” has proven itself to be amazingly true and spot-on accurate. 

What cracks me up is when people get adamant about changing my outlook, yet they don’t really even know what I am going through.  They are mostly attractive, popular, and several who are always trying to cheer me up have someone, so they don’t really know what it is like to be alone.  I on the other hand do not feel I am any more than average, certainly not “attractive”, I am not really in that great of shape, and I have never been popular.  So, what I am going through and experiencing is not something many of them have really ever had to deal with…  I surround myself with stuff, pets, and plants in exchange for surrounding myself with people, and to be honest, I am not even sure I would feel comfortable having someone over to my apartment, because it is not exactly the coziest or very welcoming.  I have really let things slide a lot when it comes to keeping up with the clutter, housework, etc., mostly because it is just me who has to see it, so why bother making the effort for only myself.  Yes, I know that is somewhat of a poor outlook, but unless I thought things were going to suddenly change, I don’t exactly do much in the way of entertaining, so I don’t bother….

I talk to my therapist about these things, and his main suggestions are to work on my confidence, try to think better about myself, and try to get out and meet people.  That is all well and good, but it is sort of like trying to teach an old dog new tricks.  Yes, it is possible, but it is far easier to teach the tricks to a younger dog.  With working 50 or so hours a week and spending 20 or more hours a week on school, I am very limited in what free time I have, and it would be one thing if I had someone already to go out with and do things with, but to use what little time I have available in the seemingly fruitless quest to meet people just doesn’t seem like a good use of my time for the most part, because it generally just leads to frustration.  If I had some better leads or somehow developed the ability to talk to strange women, then perhaps I would keep trying, but at this point, I am not really sure what I will do….  Like the say, the only sure things in life are death and taxes, which leaves me left to worry about the majority of the unknown.  Has writing this helped?  It has let me vent, but when all is said and done, I am still in a Friday Night Funk…