Out With the Old...

Out with the old, and in with the new…  That’s how the saying goes, right?  I hope that will be the case, but a big part of me thinks it will be more like out with the old and in with more of the same…  2011 was a year of ups and downs, much like prior years, and I somehow don’t expect 2012 to be all that different.  Yes, life is what you make of it, to some extent, but I think a lot of it is largely out of our control.  I know many people would argue this, but I firmly believe there is only so much I can do myself to make things happen the way that I want them to, and that a lot of it is out of my hands.  So, as I sit here watching the clock moving towards the end of 2011, I sit and I think…     

2011 certainly had some ups – among them were watching my father graduate college in July, roughly 40 years after first starting his Bachelor’s degree.  Following on the heels of his accomplishment, and inspired by the same, I decided to see if I could get accepted into grad school and try to perhaps work towards a better future for myself.  I applied to one school – Marylhurst University – and I got accepted!  I liked the online degree program that they offered – an MBA in Sustainable Business; I also liked the fact that they did not require any entrance exams and were running a special where the registration fee was waived.  I figured that if I was not able to get in that program, then I would not try to apply for those that required exams and/or fees, as I could afford neither.  I got in, I signed the next decade or more away for the loans I would need, and for the first time since I graduated from ESF back in May 1997, I was a student again!  I have completed 2 classes so far, with 10 to go, and have a 3.84 overall GPA as of right now – better than I ever did as an undergrad!
    
Another highlight of 2011 was continuing to watch my nieces and nephews grow and develop.  Work schedules made it hard to spend as much time with them as I have in the past, but their development has been amazing!  The two oldest started kindergarten in September – where has the time gone?  The younger two are quickly trying to catch up to their siblings, and every time I see them, things are different.
    
2011 has certainly had its share of downs as well.  I continue to fight my struggle against depression.  There have been steps made in the right direction and I have slid backwards more than once, but I continue struggling forward, no matter how hard it gets at times.  I still have not really had much in the way of luck with girls or dating; we will see if that changes in 2012, although I have learned to keep my hopes and expectations low, as that leaves less room for disappointment.  I lost a couple of the best employees in my department to moves and promotions, and some of my closest friends are not as big a part of my life as they were in the past.  Yet I struggle forward…  We talk when we can, the department is running the best it has since I took over (at least in terms of sales), but it’s not the same…  People come and go more quickly it seems, and it is harder to grow close or become attached to people when it seems that they leave too soon. 
    
My life mostly consists of work and school these days, and caring for my ever-expanding menagerie of plants and animals that is slowly taking over my livingroom and kitchen.  I would like to say that in what little down time I get that I make the most of it and do things that make me happy, but in reality, it does not really feel like I accomplish much of anything outside of work and school.  My apartment continues to amass piles of stuff, hobbies and interests often go un-pursued, or at least less than in the past, and life just seems to continue to move by, not really stopping to notice if I am keeping up or falling behind.  And I just keep struggling forward… 
    
So, what lies in store in 2012?  Who knows, only time will tell…  I am sure there will be some ups, and there will undoubtedly be many downs, as that is one thing in my life that seems to be pretty consistent.  The downs are always around; it is the ups that seem to be is shorter supply.  Will the world end on 12/20/12?  I doubt it.  Will I be writing something similar a year from now?  Probably…  We will see, but my hopes remain low, where they are more manageable and less likely to shatter from the downward drops.  So, I will end with a half-hearted “Happy New Year”, and raise a glass to the unknown, hoping that it might even surprise me and go better than I am planning on.

A more realistic reality

What is it that they have that I don’t?  By they, I mean most of the guys around here….  It seems that most of the girls in this area at least seem to prefer guys who are immature or who treat them poorly, guys who are jerks, and full of themselves.  Because I was raised not to be that way, and because my interests don’t revolve around 4-wheelers, dirt bikes, trucks, guns, and mud, I am clearly not what the average girl here is looking for.  Perhaps I need to look other places?  That would most likely mean moving though, because I am running out of options around here, although moving is not really in my plans…  Perhaps I need to change my view of reality, and come to terms with the fact that I am not what the girls I am interested in are looking for, and move forward with my plan of settling for someone nobody else wants, or just being alone.  I am not ready to do that, and not wanting to do that, but it seems to be my only viable option any more. 

I don’t think my standards are too high, but perhaps they are indeed unrealistic.  All I am really looking for is someone who has some of the same interests as me, who has a good sense of humor, is somewhat cute, and young enough to still be able to have kids at some point should that be the direction things head.  I feel very comfortable talking to and even flirting a little with girls at work, whether they are co-workers or employees, but out in public or in a social setting, it is an entirely different story.  I think this is because I have worked there long enough to feel comfortable in my surroundings, and because to some extent it is “safe”, since as a manager I would not be able to date them anyway.  People always tell me how funny I am, and how much I make them laugh, which is true, and it works well for me with people I know, but I am never even able to get far enough with someone I don’t know for it to work…  No point having a strength if it is still overshadowed by all of my weaknesses I guess….  Courage, confidence, self-esteem, shyness, and experience, these are all things that torment me, and until I am able to overcome them, I will probably never have any luck, at least in the places I am looking… I am just an old fool, with unrealistic hopes and dreams, and not what most girls seem to be looking for.

Every time I get up the nerve to talk to a girl I am interested in, even if it is someone who I have “known” for months, it always leads to her flat-out rejecting me, or ignoring me.  This just happened to me again this week.  There is a girl who works nearby who I have seen in my comings and goings, and after making some inquiries about her with a couple of her co-workers (to see if she was even available), I finally got the nerve to talk to her after many months of wanting to, because I am still painfully shy out in public.  We talked for a few minutes, I left with a little bit of hope, but all that has come of it is her ignoring me now when she sees me….  I guess I was foolish to have a little hope for a change, even if it did feel nice. 

So, back I go into my walls, my lonely life of isolation and sadness.  My comfort zone….