A Chill in the Air

There is a chill in the air tonight, but the chill I am feeling the most is not coming from the wind or the changing season, the chill I am feeling tonight is coming from within. I said goodbye to someone today, a co-worker, a friend. I have done it before, and I am sure I will do it again, but that does not mean it will ever be easier, or that it will hurt any less. I am not one who easily makes friends; I took one of those dumb quizzes on Facebook and it said that my strongest emotion is that I am shy. I am quiet. I only come out of my shell around familiar people. This could not be closer to the truth! I have gotten better at this over the years, but overall, I am still shy. It takes quite a lot for me to open up to people, to let people in. Friends are not something I have had many of; sure, I have had co-workers that I get along with, but true friends, those have always been a rare commodity for me. So, when I finally do open up and make a good, close friend, part of me knows I am setting myself for eventual heartache.

That brings me back to today… We had worked together for just over three years, she had become one of the best associates in my department, and one of my closest friends. She is one of the nicest, most genuine people I have ever met, the kind of person I would want for a girlfriend if I were lucky enough to find one. Smart, beautiful, a wonderful person. And today she left. She is pursuing a love of her own, a life of her own, and this is something she has to do. No matter if we like it, no matter how many tears were shed today, this is something she has to do, for herself. And it will happen again. Soon, very soon Sooner than I would like, in fact. They always say we will keep in touch, we will still be friends, and eventually that turns into the occasional text or message on Facebook, a card at Christmas or on a birthday, but over time, it fades away, it always has, and what is to keep that from happening again this time? Or next time? Or the time after that? Time can’t stand still, people have to move on to newer and better things, I just wish I was not always the one left choking in the dust, hoping that when it clears I will still have someone left. But I usually know better. Eventually I will open up to someone again, find some new friends, or grow closer to some of those that are still here, but in time, they too will be gone, and I will be here waiting, wishing, wondering…

Life has been a bit of a roller-coaster ride lately, and although I love to ride them, this one is leaving me feeling a bit overwhelmed and queasy. I made the decision to go back to school, a decision I do not regret, but that does not mean I am feeling completely confident in my decision. Work takes a lot out of me, and now I have school to look forward to 7 days a week, for the next 17 months. I know it is in my best interest, I know it can only help to open more and bigger doors for me down the road, but it is taking a lot of getting used to. I don’t sleep as much these, not that sleep has been a friend of mine in quite some time anyway. I am not used to this new online format completely yet, to taking a class without ever seeing another student or the instructor. Not yet used to having videos and papers as a lecture, to communicating with classmates on discussion forums instead of face to face. Things have changed a lot in the last 15 years, and yet some things are still the same. I am still searching, looking, trying to figure out for sure who I am, where I want to go, and what it will take to get me there, should I ever actually reach wherever it is I am trying to go.

The walls go up, I knock them down, and then I put them up again. They keep out the hurt, they keep in the pain. These walls are not physical walls like those of my apartment, but they might as well be, because they leave me feeling trapped, trapped like a fly in a web, wondering if, when, how I will break free. I do manage to break out long enough to work and to spend time with my family now and then, to run the necessary errands and escape into the outside world, but the escape is always temporary. The walls always call me back to them, a call I can’t seem to resist, like some seductive Sirens, pulling me back within. Will I ever knock these walls down for good, to replace them with a bright, open expanse of happiness and life spread out before me? Or will the walls always win?

There is a chill in the air tonight…